This sucks...

DISCLAIMER: Jen and I decided from day one, that we wanted to be open and honest about our thoughts, emotions and experiences, as we have brought our family to Haiti.  So if you want to read something uplifting and positive this is not the post for you.  There are no pictures of cute babies, smiling faces or our friendly neighbors.  In its place are raw emotions, tear filled prayers and some questionable language. 

Call it what you may; homesickness, cultural shock, bad water, crazy heat or whatever; it’s about as close to a kick in the nuts as you can get!  And it won’t go away!  When does it end?

I spend most of my days battling thoughts and fears of the unknown.  It's crazy what your mind will tell you when nothing surrounding you is normal and your world has been turned upside down.  So as we sift through real problems and the imaginary ones we ask that you join with us in prayer for peace, clarity, protection and strength!

As I have 2 close friends that have walked the mission field ahead of us they have been wondering when this time would come for us.  I guess the technical term is “cultural shock” but whatever it is, it sucks.  Not many things in my life have come with such clarity as moving to Haiti, but now I question every thought and movement I make.  Now please know, that we are not packing our bags and heading home or anything ridiculous like that.  We are just struggling and praying for the preverbal “light at the end of the tunnel.” 

Many of the questions I ask myself are about the sacrifices that I am having my family make.  How many of you tuck your 8 year old little boy in at night and talk with him through tears about loneliness and fears?  What the hell am I doing? Is this sanctifying?  Lord if you want to teach me something fine, great, wonderful, bring it on, but please don’t burden the heart of my kids.  One of the reasons we left feeling so strongly about our moving here was because of the heart and personality that Major has been gifted.  But as we trudge through our days I pray that each day doesn’t squash his tender heart and spirit.  Am I screwing up my kid?  Tonight as we talked and prayed he told me that he felt like Joseph from the Bible.  I asked why and what he meant by this.  He said (and I’m paraphrasing) that a lot of bad things happened to him and then the Pharaoh remembered him and God let a lot of good things happen.  I pray for that innocence and faith.  Here is a lonely and struggling little boy without friends and he relies on the Word of God to give him strength.  We should all probably remember that simplicity in our day to day.  So we ask that you join with us in praying for Major.  We are asking the Holy Spirit gift him (& us) with Creole.  Lord let him have a grasp of language that would allow him to dive into a new community of friends and culture.  Lord give Major friends; regardless of race or nationality, just give him some little boys to talk with, get dirty with, maybe even, get in some trouble, but be a kid and have some fun.  See here; we are pretty much the only white faces for miles and our circle of isolation seems to be closing in.  Lord give Major boldness to reach out beyond the unknown and be ok with our new new.  Lord pour Your favor on Major’s sweet spirit, and amazing mind and heart for You and others!

Some good news is that Jen and I are actually doing really well.  Despite her having malaria and me being a horrible nurse we can't complain as a couple.  It’s funny how the Lord uses times like these to knit you and your spouse together in His unity.  We have allowed ourselves to vent, to cry and to go a little crazy!  We both realize that our family’s sanity and well-being is of the utmost importance and our relationship is the hub of that cycle.  But even as we are doing well we still shed tears over missing family and friends.  What we would give to be at our best friend’s house, eating their fine homemade Mexican food, flipping the channels of the day’s latest games, discussing our next camping trip while dodging soccer balls and baby dolls as the kids run wild together.  Nothing more in America, have I missed than this! True friendship is a gift from the Lord and to not have our friends to hug and laugh with is wrenching our soul.  The cliché saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder is crap!  We have always loved them, they are our people and we want our friends to be near!  So for Jen and I, please pray for community, we need some partners in crime!  We so desperately want and need to connect with others walking this journey in Haiti and faith together.  We need it, our family needs it and we are pleading the Lord for it. 

Overall, we are ok and that’s a tough place for me to be.  As I discussed my insanity with my fellow missionary friend he said that surviving is ok right now and we need to be ok with ok.  Because of our personalities Jen & I feel like we should be storming the gates of hell with a squirt gun and currently we don’t seem to know our ass from our elbow.  We feel something is wrong or we are failing for us to just be learning how to live here, learning how to raise our family here, home schooling an 8 year old boy here, learning language, learning cultural norms all the while trying to reset our thermostat to a constant 97 degrees and 85% humidity.  I think everyone has the tendency to set some unrealistic expectation in his or her lives, but at this moment it seems to have a greater infliction of pain than ever before.  So we ask that you pray that Jen and I’s expectations and reality become more in line.  We don’t want to settle for ok, but we must be realistic and have a better understanding of where we are and how to press onward through this valley. 

So yes, this sucks!  It’s hard!  We miss home, our family and our friends!  It's fall and I want to go camping, watch football and wear a sweatshirt!  But our path looks different now and we are learning to navigate our beaten, rocky and messy path.  As exciting as a new journey is, it comes with fears of failure and the unknown, but we are praying that the Lord will shine brighter than we could ever ask or imagine!

Sean